[Tek Jansen]

Kool-aid man dead at 30. Oh Yeah.


The Kool-Aid man’s life was emptied out as he passed away last night. He was found with a cracked skull. A red substance, possibly blood, was found stained on the carpet. Investigators have brought in Gatorade and Powerade in for questioning.

He was 30.

“He was a very sweet man”, his out-of-this-world-wife, Tang, remembered. “He always had a smile on his face, and kids loved him. He was, well, also quite good in…well, 'oh yeah.'”

Before his work with children, the Kool-Aid man was a great pitcher for the Crimson Tide. “He always left batters in a dust”, his manager Band Aid recalled. “His positive attitude about the clubhouse was great. He couldn’t turn down an interview or anything. He never spoke badly of me and if he was asked to do something, he would do it without hesitation.”

Quite the yes-man, the Kool-Aid man always had a bit of a mysterious flavor to his life, spending much of his life basking in the Capri Sun, with his ex-girlfriend, exotic dancer Sunny Delight. However, the Kool-Aid man’s addiction to “the white stuff” led to his demise. He was arrested and spent 30 days in jail with 500 hours of community service for unlawful breaking and entering. There were many court settlements that he had to pay for his damage to others’ homes and structural integrities. The life was sucked out of him.

Investigators suggested that the Kool-Aid man had been using this powdery substance prior to his death, and as a result of his use, he passed out and suffered his fatal wound. Investigators also mourned for his death, but must sorely admit that he was one delicious son of a pitch.